What Am I, a Deer?
Polly Barton's beautiful contribution to literature
Fueled by limerence and extreme bouts of alienation, What Am I, a Deer? reveals what is hiding inside our anxiety-seeped brains. An unnamed narrator has recently taken a job at a video game company in Frankfurt, with no real desire for this line of work or appreciation for video games. She finds everything she does embarrassing, like simple tasks become a humiliation ritual she cannot escape. Through stream-of-consciousness, we come to realize how much of life is a performance and the shame that comes along with that.
The narrator goes on to create scenarios in her head about people she meets, imagining romantic fictions with a man who hands her a forgotten umbrella and a colleague she has never spoken to, only obsessed with from afar. She lives her life through limerence and the constant anxiety of being seen through others’ perspectives. Polly Barton’s self-insert through this unnamed narrator makes it even more raw and unforgiving, as loneliness fills the pages. This book reminds you of the comfort of living in a fantasy world for now, but not forever.
The imagery of deer begs the question of oneself, the identity you present to the world, and the timid, embarrassed inner personhood you possess at all times. our hobbies, interests, communication style, attachment style, and how we react to things are direct outputs of what everyone around us sees, and it’s sometimes too much to bear. The unnamed narrator is fascinated by pop singers and karaoke, a hobby she finds incredibly humiliating. Why do we find the things we love, our quirks, and our personality so upsetting to ourselves? When in fact there is always someone out there looking at you, admiring you and your love for a certain thing, something that gives you character.
Described as “deliriously self-conscious”, This book begs the question of losing oneself and wanting to blend into the crowd while also imagining and maladaptive dreaming a life full of romance and victory in all aspects. There is always a disconnection between desires and the desire to do, especially in my personal life. I relate to the notion of embarrassment, the embarrassment of my shy and anxious personality, the embarrassment in saying how I feel when I’m hurt, even the embarrassing nature I feel I possess when speaking. But I always related to the fantasy of life and the want for love and success where I feel most creative, but the disconnect always feels stronger than the dream.
Polly Barton came across me through her work as a translator for Japanese-written novels. Books like Butter,Hunchback, Mild Vertigo, and The Woman Dies, to name a few I’ve enjoyed. Coming from the books she translated to her own distinctive voice was nothing shy of amazing, and frightening for how much she indirectly calls me out with anecdotes of the human condition. Her love for translation and things being misconstrued through different conversation styles is evident in What Am I, a Deer? very clearly, with the ability to jump into someone else’s mind, but from a distance.
If What Am I, a Deer? is any indication of the pure, raw talent of Polly Barton’s prose, then please count me in every single time. While I feel extremely called out by her “everything I do is embarrassing” permeating throughout this read, I felt more seen and more comfortable with my embarrassment after reminding myself that this is a universal problem, not just mine alone.
